Saturday, October 10, 2009

Back. And Glad I'm Not a Horse.

It's been a whole season.

 I shall try resuming my blog because I miss it. Miss the discipline of organizing my thoughts and the way blogging makes me take note of little things, listen more attentively, and consider more carefully.

I didn't plan to drop off the edge of the blog-world, but a day or so after my last post in late May, I became very ill with severe abdominal pain. I ended up having surgery and in hospital for about 8 days with a rare but extremely serious intestinal condition called volvulus. Essentially, the small intestine twists up somewhat like a balloon being made into an animal by a clown. As more than a few people told me (this is Kentucky), "If you were a horse, you would have died."

What caused it? After several months of recuperation, way too many invasive tests (can you say "Barium enema"?) and way too many unhelpful speculations from well-meaning self-appointed experts, I have no clue. Indeed, I have come to believe more than ever in what has come to be called the Mind/Body connection, and find it quite sufficient to say that I had a twisted gut. Gut-wrenching, feel it in my gut, makes me sick, blocked, bilious, punch in the gut.. all of these metaphorical notions apply. Details anon.

I'm well now, and was even well enough to undergo another major surgery last week, one that had been scheduled long before the emergency illness, partial replacements of both knees. There are lots more rational explanations of why my knees wore out in my mid-50s, but I am still open to the emotional and spiritual implications. At the risk of sounding like a victim, Nancy Kerrigan comes to mind. All of this has been a gift. I know... everybody says that. But in my case, I have been handed time, insight, wisdom, perspective, and renewal. I have had the opportunity to have my priorities become absolutely clear. No word but gift will do, unless it's Grace.

I'm actually a healthy person! Other than arthritis (runs in my family), I have no ailments or chronic illnesses and all of my vital signs & systems are normal or above-normal. I have a good husband, satisfying job, and three kids who love me. Still, I have allowed myself and my life to get so out of balance, so completely skewed away from my heart's desires and ambitions that I can barely find "me" in all the clutter. It is clear that has to change.

 I intend to write my blog completely for me from now on. It will be more personal, more journal-like, and more reflective. If you don't like it, please don't read it! If you do, or if it helps you in any way.. let me know.